You've gone from bewildered to confident, and you've realized neither is true. You feel like a ship at sea, drifting aimlessly, and need to locate stable footing.
On May 25, when Mars squares Node, you'll realize that your efforts haven't paid off because you've been hesitant to face the underlying issue. The true issue is the past.
On May 25, you realize you can't spend your whole life thinking about something that occurred to you as a youngster.
You know you must tackle this once and for all to be fair to yourself and those you love in the present.
You're afraid that if you look at too many things, you'll fall into a rabbit hole you'll never escape.
You pretend to "have it all" to avoid admitting you've spent much of your life in denial. Even though you're an Aquarius, you're still a fearful kid, and you know it.